8 Lessons I’ve Learned From My Blended Family

Daron and I have been married since 2018 and it’s been such a wonderful journey. I am so blessed to be sharing my life with him and our family! However, we did have to find ways to blend our families together. We had to be intentional about how we parented, and how we modeled honor and respect towards each other so the kids could follow suit. Having a healthy family dynamic is crucial to me and Daron, and I like to think we’ve learned a lot along the way. Here are 8 Lessons I’ve Learned From My Blended Family (plus 2 bonus tips!).

Blended Family Lessons I’ve Learned: Marriage Comes First

Marriage has 100% got to be the first priority among Mom and Dad. Always remember to stay on the same page with your marriage goals. Your spouse is not your enemy, but instead your partner! You have to work on finding common ground together. Even when it may seem difficult, it is necessary to keep your marriage on a firm foundation.

I try to remember to build Daron up, compliment him, and tell him I’m grateful he and his children are in my life. We have also both studied and practice each other’s Love Languages, which is something we highly recommend for other couples.

Be Kind

We have a rule of kindness in our home, especially with our words. We aim to act civil and nice towards one another, and it’s not acceptable to purposely hurt someone or withdraw when we get upset. It is okay to ask for a break when emotions get high and revisit the conversation at another time, but it is not okay to be mean in any circumstance.

Divide and Conquer

Daron and I have learned to work as a team and split up responsibilities. Some days, he takes the kids to practice and sometimes I do. In blended families, there may be a tendency of the biological parent to help with only their children’s responsibilities. For example, if Daron only helped Ethan and Hailey with homework, both Easton (and myself) would be disappointed that he doesn’t get the same treatment. Each parent needs to spend quality time with all the children and help them equally.

Blended Family Lessons I’ve Learned: Parent Together

When it comes to family rules, the kids can’t ask one parent for something and then expect to get a different response from the other. One practical way to do this is to have the kids put you in a group text. We also ask them come to us when we’re together and ask for things. This avoids having one parent pitted against the other. I know this issue is not just limited to blended families, but all families with scheming children!

Have Fun!

Intentionally planning quality fun time together is a must! With school and work, things can sometimes feel very serious or heavy. It’s important to break out of the everyday grind with your kids and lighten the load. We like to do weekly movie nights, board games, etc. so we’re keeping the fun in our family.

We’ve also found that it’s great to try something new with your kids. It puts you in the same boat together and allows you to team-build and bond. We’ve done scavenger hunts together, escape rooms, bike rides, and so many other fun things!

Insist on Respect

This one probably goes without saying, but you have to practice respect. What I mean by that is respecting both parents’ feelings, boundaries, and time. And as a parent, you also have to respect your kids feelings, boundaries, and time as well to an extent. You have to get to the bottom of why they feel the way they do – especially if they’re acting out. They are learning, growing, and looking to you to help them navigate their emotions and life. One of the best ways to accomplish respect in the home is to model the behavior you want them to reflect. If you’re showing respect to your spouse and vice versa, they will see it’s the right thing to do.

Communication

What helped us heal was communication. We mainly communicated best over dinners and created a safe place for all of us to talk as a family. We pray together, we eat together, and we are intentional about spending time together as a family every week. This allows everyone to feel heard and share things that are important to them. We model that behavior for our kids so they follow suit, and we’ve found it works well for us. It gets lost if you don’t intentionally set that time aside! I have 9 Fun Tips for Having Family Dinners you can check out for help!

Blended Family Lessons I’ve Learned: Patience

This may sound weird, but don’t expect to fall in love with your spouse’s children overnight. It can take time and daily effort. Love is a choice and we have to make it every day in all our relationships, but especially with our children. Daron chooses my son, and I easily choose his children as well. When you make that choice over and over, the love will build and come naturally before you know it.

One of the things that helped me early on was that I prayed for my other 2 children every day. You can love them and not always like what they do. That doesn’t make you a bad step-parent. I’ve found myself in situations where I do have to ask for God’s grace and pray. But, I love them as my own more and more everyday. They are some of the best things that have ever happened to me!

Bonus Tip: The Loss of a Parent

Not only did we blend our families, but when we came together, we had unresolved hurt among all of us. Daron lost his wife, so we had the death of a parent and spouse. And I had gone through a divorce and was a co-parent with another man.

If you are dealing with the loss of a parent, allow the children time to grieve. Give them space and permission to talk about that parent, celebrate special holidays like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and birthdays. Ask about specific memories even if it makes you uncomfortable. They’re still healing and it’s helpful for them to talk to you about it. For me personally, I saw myself as their bonus mom because they already had a mom they loved and lost. I still talk often about her and ask them questions. We would also find encouragement in praying when they were sad.

Bonus Tip: Divorced Parents

The best advice I can give about divorce is to not speak negatively about the other parent in front of the children. Don’t have adult conversations that involve the divorce, money, what happened, etc. Try to see the good in the other parent and be as amicable as possible. I promise you it gets easier. Time truly does heal and I’m proud to say that me and my ex-husband have come a long way!

I hope these lessons I’ve learned from my blended family encourage you and get you excited for yours. It’s been truly wonderful being a bonus mom and getting to love on 2 more kids with Daron. Be patient, kind, and respectful – and don’t forget to have fun along the way! Follow all the Farmer House happenings on Instagram at @ourfarmerhouse.

XOXO,